I’m about to do something I’ve never done before.
This year, I made a surprising friendship that has grown and stretched me. Thanks to this friend, I’ll be dedicating the next section of my blog to sharing the deepest parts of my story with you… straight from the journals I kept during the 6 years of my illness. Unedited. Unexplained. Not even the spelling mistakes.
Why? Because vulnerability is what connects our souls in this world of filters and technology. You will learn a lot about my heart, my brain, and my God. My prayer is that you will know you are not alone, no matter what your trials are. That light will be shed in dark places. And that the mountains and valleys of my story will help you walk through yours.
So welcome to my heart. Today, I share three journals leading up to the day I left nursing school in 2014 and gave up on my dream.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Every time I have worshipped this week, I have completely broken down weeping. Today at church I actually shook uncontrollably. I sing in my heart because my throat does not make a sound. I sing and I meditate in my heart on each word and each line. Every message I proclaim to God and every word He is speaking to me. I hear Jesus say:
“Mallory. I am sticking close to you. Closer than a brother. I am with you in your suffering. Your suffering is real. I also know what it means to ultimately suffer. Mallory your weakness right now is making my power perfect. Your sorrow and despair is lifting me higher every time you put your hope in me. Draw near to me, Mallory. I sit next to God our Father and plead with Him on your behalf. Wait for the Lord, Mallory. Be strong. Let your heart take courage. Wait for the Lord.”
I find strength in your presence, Father. I cling to You, so that no mountain can shake me. Thank you Jesus, for being closer to me than a brother.
Sunday, September 27, 2014
Had another seizure this morning. I was alone again. I’m not surprised. I am alone so much during the day. I eat alone for just about every meal. I told the B’s that it has been a bit lonely. I was the only one in open lab, which is odd. I wish someone was here that could see me from across the room and just come and sit next to me.
Be joyful, Mallory. Take Heart.
Do not be discouraged or dismayed. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
That’s a promise made by the God who invented promises, and will never ever break them. End of story.
Be joyful, Mallory. Be joyful. Always. Don’t give up.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
I had a really frustrating day at clinical today. I just could not do anything right, and I just kept getting really nervous which made it worse. Like literally the simplest tasks I was just stumbling all through. I don’t even remember the bed alarm system. To be fair, I have only really been on the floor twice and it was like >3 weeks ago.
But still the thoughts crept back into my head. ‘well if you can’t do well on tests, AND you suck at clinical, you should probably just quit.’
Doesn’t sound like a bad idea at all. I could be an LNA still maybe?
But I got a text from Uncle W.
“No, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. Romans 8:37. Do the best you can and leave the rest with God. Remember effort with failure is not failure. I’ll be praying for God’s strength. You can make it with Christ. Remember grades do not determine your worth… it is in Christ. You are valuable in his sight no matter what.”
So that encouraged me so much. But when it says do my best and leave the rest to God, I am not going to use that to put forth mediocre effort and call it my best. I am going to give it my all. I am going to do everything in the power that God gave me through Christ. And I will then be able to say in 100% truth that I am giving my all and doing my very best.
All I have within me, I give You praise.
“In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! For I have overcome the World.”
(The words of Jesus Christ from the Gospel of John)
Stay tuned for the rest of my story to come. And please reach out to me.
Love, Mally 🙂